Let’s talk about relationships. They are beautiful, messy and complex human connections we all have.
We tend to think that a “good” relationship requires two people equally invested, kind, and emotionally healthy. And while that’s certainly nice … what if I told you it only takes one person to have a great relationship?
Not the ones in the movies or the ones we imagine everyone else is having but the ones we actually live in. With spouses, siblings, parents, kids, co-workers, neighbors. The ones that makes our hearts expand and make us want to pull our heart out.
I know. It sounds wild. A relationship is the story in your head, your thoughts about them, your thoughts about what they think of you, and your thoughts about yourself in relation to them.
That means your entire experience of a relationship is happening inside your own brain. Which is great news. You are the only one in your relationships who can manage your mind, take responsibility for your feelings, and decide how you want to show up. That doesn’t mean you allow anything and everything. It just means you get to stop waiting for someone else to change so you can feel better. You take your power back.
Let’s look at how this works.
The Relationship Story We All Tell
Every relationship whether it’s with your spouse, partner, parent, child, friend, or even your coworker.
When you think about a relationship, what you’re really thinking about is your story of that person. And that story has three parts:
What you think of them
What you think they think of you
What you think of you in relation to them
That’s it.
Not what they said or did.
Not how many texts they didn’t respond to.
Not whether they come to your birthday brunch or forget it entirely.
Your experience of someone else lives in your thoughts.
So, when we say, “They’re toxic,” “They’re so difficult,” or “They make me feel like a bad person,” we’re giving them all the power. We’re letting our brain collect evidence for a painful story that makes us feel stuck. Our brain is a pro at collecting evidence. When we have a painful story it will scan and find anything and everything to make our story more painful. Even making up things or making MORE out of things that happened to the past. In an effort to add to our painful story.
But here’s a radical idea: What if no one is toxic?
What If They’re Toxic Though?
We live in a world where people love to throw around the word “toxic” as if it’s a diagnosis. But when we label someone as toxic, it turns them into something dangerous and powerful giving them all the control. Suddenly, they’re not just a person with behaviors you dislike. They’re a villain in your story. A source of fear and chaos. They take up space in your heart, your mind, and your day.
But here’s the truth: people aren’t toxic. Thoughts are. No one else can take up that kind of space unless you give it to them.
So instead of focusing on what they’re doing “wrong,” ask:
What story am I telling about them and is it helping me create the life I want?
The Real Deal With Boundaries
What about boundaries? That is a buzz word right now. But, they are often misused. Meaning they’re being used to control people not protect ourselves. That doesn’t me we avoid them but when used properly they are 100% worthwhile.
But let’s clear something up.
Boundaries are not ultimatums.
They are not ways to get people to behave how you want.
And they are definitely not tools to punish or manipulate someone into making you feel better.
Boundaries are about you, not them.
They are about what you will do to take care of yourself. Period.
So before you set one, ask yourself:
Am I clear about what I want or expect?
What will I do to protect my emotional space? (Not control theirs.)
Do I need to communicate this boundary, or can I simply follow through?
For example:
“I’m not going to continue this conversation if yelling is involved.”
You didn’t say, “You can’t yell.” You said, “I’ll leave the room if you do.”
Boundaries are you being accountable for your peace, not making them accountable for your happiness.
The difference is subtle but life-changing.
It’s not: “If you show up late again, I’ll be mad.”
It’s: “I value punctuality, so if you’re late again, I’ll go ahead without you.”
Love Them in Their Story
True connection comes from you seeing and loving others for who they are, not for who you wish they’d be.
Here is a powerful truth.
“I love you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
Not your version of them. Not the cleaned-up, edited version you wish existed. But them. As they are. You can love someone even if they don’t respond the way you want. Even if they never change. Even if they never say thank you.
When you show up with love, not only do you feel better, but you also show up as your best self.
This doesn’t mean you excuse harmful behavior. It means you stop wasting your energy trying to change people and instead focus on accepting them, even while making decisions that honor your well-being.
Because love isn’t about fixing someone. It’s about seeing them. Knowing them. Embracing them as they are.
Wanting from Abundance
We all want things: connection, intimacy, understanding, appreciation.
That’s normal. But sometimes we want from a place of lack. We think, “If I don’t get this from them, I’m not okay.” That’s when relationships feel desperate or heavy.
But what if you could want from abundance?
What if you thought, “I’d love for this person to call me, but if they don’t, I’m still amazing”?
You still show up with love. But you wouldn’t be emotionally exhausted trying to get your needs met by someone else’s behavior.
You’d realize … it can be great either way.
Creating Real Connection
If you want more connection in your life, here’s a little secret:
It doesn’t have to be mutual.
You can feel deeply connected to someone without them ever changing. It’s about your thoughts toward them.
Connection is created when you truly see someone, when you accept them, when you let go of needing the relationship to look a certain way.
It’s saying:
“I love you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
It’s not passive. It’s powerful.
You can create deep connection just by knowing, seeing, and embracing someone as they are.
Let go of how it “should” look. Let go of needing them to act a certain way. Choose to love them in their story … not yours.
Connection isn’t a two-way street. It’s a one-way decision.
Why Love is Ideal
At the end of the day, love is the goal.
Love is not just a feeling, it’s a thought that creates a feeling.
And when we choose love … pure, unconditional, compassionate love … we show up as the best version of ourselves.
Not manipulative.
Not needy.
Not bitter.
Not control. Not convincing. Not being right. Just love.
Just open-hearted and grounded.
And here’s the beautiful spiritual truth:
You were created in the image of God.
God is love.
Which means … you are love.
It’s who you are. Not what someone else gives or takes away.
When you operate from love, you stop needing people to change so you can feel okay. You remember that nothing has gone wrong.
Love is a thought.
Love is a feeling.
Love is a choice.
We were created in God’s image and God is love. That means we are love. It’s who we are at our core. No one can take that away from you.
When you stop blaming. When you stop shaming. When you remember nothing has gone wrong, you get unstuck and start loving from abundance.
And when you lead with love, everything shifts.
You Create the Life You Want
You are not powerless in your relationships. Even if the other person doesn’t change. Even if they never say sorry. Even if they keep being who they are.
You get to choose who you want to be.
You get to say, “I want a life filled with love, clarity, and peace … and I’ll go first.”
You’re not waiting to be seen or heard anymore. You’re creating connection, boundaries, and love on purpose.
Because at the end of the day, the best relationship you’ll ever have is the one you build with yourself.
If you’re struggling in a relationship, whether it’s with your spouce, partner, your sister, your mom, or yourself start here:
What am I thinking about them?
What am I thinking they think about me?
What am I thinking about myself in this relationship?
And then ask:
What if I could love them, no matter what?
What if I could let go of needing them to change?
What does love look like in this relationship?
You’ll be amazed at what happens when you take responsibility for your own story.
Because the truth is … you don’t need anyone else to show up differently for your relationship to be beautiful.
You get to decide what kind of experience you want to create.
That is freedom.
Want to dive deeper into this kind of work? I help women rewrite their relationship stories and create more peace, clarity, and connection in their lives, starting with themselves.
Because when you change the story in your head, everything else changes too.
What’s one relationship you would like help working on? You’ll be surprised by the progress you can make with a life coach guiding you. I would love to be that person. To work with me check it out here.
This beautiful book, Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown guides us to find the way back to ourselves and one another. The framework for meaningful connection. Get your copy.
